Stressing Over The Beaver05:23 Feb 12 2023
Times Read: 149
Now…I remember just three events from my time in Kindergarten...
First…one morning I was sitting at my table, minding my own business, busy with the intricacies of Kindergarten, more than likely excelling at my coloring, when out of nowhere the Kindergarten teacher, Miss McKlaskey, comes up behind me, grabs me by the arm, jerks me out of my chair, marches my happy young ass to a corner of the room, sticks my face in said corner and tells me to stand there until she says otherwise and if that wasn’t humiliating enough…now get this…she puts an actual “Dunce Cap” on my fucking head! A real tall pointed “Dunce Cap”! It was like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting! Really! And the kicker is this…I had no idea then nor to this very day why?! What did I do? I don’t know…I’m pretty sure I was accurate in my color representations and my staying inside the lines was unparalleled…Old Miss McKlaskey…she needed some work on her communication skills…
Second…we used to get a “Milk Break” at some point every morning. The milk came in glass bottles…GLASS BOTTLES! Who in their right mind gives little Kindergarten kids milk in glass bottles? That doesn’t even sound right! GLASS?! Well…as Kindergarten Mayhem dictates…another Kindergarten kid and myself were spinning in circles, celebrating “Milk Break”, when our milk GLASS bottles hit and shattered which rocketed shards of glass straight into the throat of Vena De Rries...right...in...her...throat! She had to be spirited away to the hospital before she could bleed out. Miss McKlaskey should have seen that coming from a mile off, what kind of Kindergarten teacher lets little Kindergarten kids spin about while clutching glass bottles? And not only that, but one might think such an event would land two certain Kindergarten Kids faces into two separate corners of the room for the duration of the year, complete with “Dunce Caps”, but nope…Miss McKlaskey was very erratic with her sense of Kindergarten Justice. I don’t think Vena ever forgave us…
Third…right after “Milk Break” there would be a “Play Time”. Our Kindergarten was blessed with a huge cache of “Lincoln Logs” and included was a menagerie of small plastic animals including a small plastic Beaver. Now…I’m not sure what kind of psychosis I was operating under at that time, but I had to have that Beaver...I...had...to...have...that...Beaver! I would stress out all morning as “Milk Break” came and went and “Play Time” approached, worried that some other Kindergarten kid would snatch up that Beaver before I could claim it and then leave yours truly Beaverless! No…the Horse wouldn’t do, nor the Chicken, nor the Bear, no I didn't want the Dog, nor the Cat, nor the Pig! THE BEAVER! I HAD TO HAVE THE BEAVER! HEY! KINDERGARTEN KID! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING WITH THAT GODDAM BEAVER?!
Alright…I concede, on the mornings I was screwed out of possessing the Beaver by some Beaver hogging little prick, the Raccoon could keep me from flipping out, it was kind of Beaver-esque…enough…I tried to tell Old Lady McKlaskey at least 100 times that we needed more than just one Beaver…she’d just look at me like I was insane…
BONUS RECOLLECTION:
I remember when my mother informed me I was going to have to start going to Kindergarten. I was stunned…I was like…”Ohhhhhh no no no no no…I have no time for Kindergarten!”…but she said I had to go…I cried and cried and cried and cried…much like I do now before I go to work…
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